HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
March 25, 2003
Step one: Buy a date-book.
You have to stay organized! The
closer you get to world domination, the crazier your schedule is going to get.
Step two: Save your pennies. Remember Teddy Roosevelt's
"Gunboat diplomacy"? Well, guns and boats cost money, and you're
going to need at least one of each to take over the world.
Step three: Keep a journal. You can't expect others to be
comfortable with your sovereignty if you're uncomfortable with yourself.
Take a little time every day to reflect and you'll discover things about
yourself that you never suspected.
Step four: Go to the mall with some friends. Whenever
you walk into a store, have them nudge strangers and say, "Hey, isn't that
the guy who just took over the world?"
Step five: Make self-deprecating jokes. People like
conquerors that can laugh at themselves.
Step six: Always carry a pen. You never know when you
might need to sign something or stab someone.
Step seven: Pay attention to world events.
"What's that? Indonesia's dictator was over-thrown? That might
be a good place for me to start taking over the world." These are
the types of things you should be thinking. Then you should think,
"What styles of clothing are popular in Indonesia? Should I take a
parka or a T-shirt?" Pack appropriately and your trip will go more
smoothly. Will you need sunscreen?
Step eight: Stay limber. How can you expect to take
over the world if you can't even touch your toes?
Step nine: Carry a clipboard. It makes you look official.
Step ten: Be unconventional. Building a massive army
and invading neighboring nations is one way to take over the world, but is it
the only way? Maybe you're good at drawing, maybe you can sew. Find
your strengths and use them.
Step eleven: Don't forget to smile!
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