HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

March 25, 2003

Step one: Buy a date-book.  You have to stay organized!  The closer you get to world domination, the crazier your schedule is going to get.

Step two: Save your pennies. Remember Teddy Roosevelt's "Gunboat diplomacy"? Well, guns and boats cost money, and you're going to need at least one of each to take over the world.

Step three: Keep a journal. You can't expect others to be comfortable with your sovereignty if you're uncomfortable with yourself.  Take a little time every day to reflect and you'll discover things about yourself that you never suspected.

Step four: Go to the mall with some friends.  Whenever you walk into a store, have them nudge strangers and say, "Hey, isn't that the guy who just took over the world?"

Step five: Make self-deprecating jokes.  People like conquerors that can laugh at themselves.

Step six: Always carry a pen.  You never know when you might need to sign something or stab someone.

Step seven: Pay attention to world events.  "What's that?  Indonesia's dictator was over-thrown?  That might be a good place for me to start taking over the world."  These are the types of things you should be thinking.  Then you should think, "What styles of clothing are popular in Indonesia?  Should I take a parka or a T-shirt?"  Pack appropriately and your trip will go more smoothly.  Will you need sunscreen?

Step eight: Stay limber.  How can you expect to take over the world if you can't even touch your toes?

Step nine: Carry a clipboard.  It makes you look official.

Step ten: Be unconventional.  Building a massive army and invading neighboring nations is one way to take over the world, but is it the only way?  Maybe you're good at drawing, maybe you can sew.  Find your strengths and use them.

Step eleven: Don't forget to smile!

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