May 28, 1997 Giant Lava Lamp discovered on Kevin Dayhoff’s farm

May 28, 1997 Giant Lava Lamp discovered on Kevin Dayhoff’s farm

Kevin E. Dayhoff    Buzzard’s Crust Farm   

Press Release - For immediate Publication May 28, 1997

Excavations on Kevin Dayhoff’s farm in Patapsco confirm the early development of a Giant Lava Lamp.

Recently, while tilling his wife Caroline’s vegetable garden, Mr. Kevin Dayhoff discovered traces of a Giant Lava Lamp on his farm in Patapsco, Maryland.  Mr. Dayhoff was quite excited at this discovery, and called the Patapsco Daily Herald Bugle immediately with the news. 

According to Mr. Dayhoff, in ancient Patapsco folklore, a Giant Lava Lamp was once the focal point of an ancient Patapscoian religion, which has persistently been rumored to still be secretly practiced in the hills of Patapsco. 

In this ancient religion, every residence maintained an altar, centered on a gazing ball, many of which can still be found in the area.  This gazing ball altar was used to communicate with the spirit of the Great Lava Lamp Father who resided in the Temple of the Great Lava Lamp. 

Pink Flamingoes, which are indigenous to the Patapsco area, were considered to be the messenger bird of the Great Lava Lamp Father.  Pink Flamingoes are now on the endangered species list and, where their nests of inverted tractor tires are found, by law they cannot be disturbed. 

It is hoped that further excavations will provide insight into the culture of the Carthaginians who settled Patapsco after the Third Punic War in 206 BC.  The archeologists are curious if the Great Lava Lamp religion is something that the Carthaginians brought over with them or if it was a religion of the Petapsqui tribe of Native Americans known to have inhabited the Patapsco area, or perhaps a mixture of both.  As further research develops we will keep you informed.

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