Is a caped crusader a solution to Westminster Crime?
Saturday, 09/16/2006
Is a caped crusader a solution to Westminster Crime?
By Kant BeTrue
Rhoiders Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle
On August 14th, 2006, Westminster Police Chief Jeff Spaulding addressed the fact that the “crime rate in Westminster increased by more than 14 percent last year, according to statistics compiled by the FBI, and Westminster Police Department officials say the increase is continuing into 2006,” this, according to an article in the Carroll County Times by Ari Natter.
The article continued: "I think it's important to understand crime is never static; there are peaks and valleys," said Jeffrey Spaulding, chief of the Westminster Police Department. "We are obviously on an upward trend."
“…In order to combat the rising crime rate, Spaulding said his department has moved resources where they are needed, increasing the use of bike patrols and surveillance details. A new officer has been added to the department's criminal investigation division, he said.”
But, in order to combat increased crime, did the chief ever think of using a scantily-clad superhero caped crusader, “who flies (over town) and shoots laser beams from her buttocks?” (09/14/2006 Katrina Cornwell, The News Examiner)
Or, “[i]magine (Westminster) being taken over by dastardly villains determined to wipe out country music and a scantily clad crime-fighting superhero named Thong Girl coming to save the day.” (09/14/2006 Katrina Cornwell, The News Examiner)
Can you imagine the mayor of Westminster announcing in a Westminster Common Council meeting under the time allotted as mayor’s announcements: “As you are all aware economic development is important to Westminster and in-line with that concept; ah, next week, ah, Wednesday and Thursday that is, the mayor’s office will be closed for the shooting of a couple movie scenes about a crime stopping super heroine.”
“We feel that the jobs and money that it will bring to Westminster are important to all our citizens.”
Just then a councilmember asks, “That’s great mayor. I mean isn’t this mayor just the best? What’s the movie? … Tell us a bit about the movie, just so we all know what a great job you are doing? This was all your idea?”
The mayor of Westminster responds, a bit flustered and clears his throat: “Yeah, well, let me see here.” Papers are shuffled… “I know I’ve got a synopsis of the plot somewhere here. I think. I thought. Oh, here it is. Now let me see here. Oh, I’ve got it. It’s a movie that’s based on a comic strip super heroine.”
“This is a chance for our people to get in the movies and make some money. I (am) excited about it…” (09/14/2006 Katrina Cornwell, The News Examiner)
“Totally wholesome entertainment, nothing dirty about it… She's not a porn star, it's all family entertainment. She's PG-13.” (09/15/2006 News Channel 5)
“The movie is called, well what is it called? Oh here, I’ve got it. It’s called: “Thong Girl 3: Revenge of the Dark Widow.” It is about “Thong Girl’s alter ego, Lana Layonme, went shopping at a lingerie store one day and put on a pair of red thong underwear, which gave her magical powers. Donning thong underwear, the risqué superhero “polices the skies with an iron fist and a fiery butt” to keep Nashville safe, according the Thong Girl Web site at www.thonggirlfilms.com.” (09/14/2006 Katrina Cornwell, The News Examiner)
Pandemonium breaks loose…
Well, that was fun and it had Dr. Pepper squirting out through my nose. But fortunately or unfortunately, whatever your perspective - - such a thing, has not, is not, to the best of my knowledge, in the planning from Westminster’s august shining white house on the hill.
Although it would certainly liven things up a bit. Many of us would certainly take a super heroine in red thong underwear as the face of our front line on crime than the drooling over-the-hill hippie that we have now who comes to council meetings and throws a hissy-fit of kindergarten proportions like a two-year old in high chair throwing food.
But - - , oh, you knew that conjunction was coming. But, apparently this is sorta what has happened in Gallatin, Tennessee.
On 09/15/2006, News Channel 5 reported:
“Scandal has hit the Gallatin mayor's office. It's a case only a caped crusader can handle.
Though actually, it's a superhero who's at the center of the controversy.
Thong Girl, a superhero ready to save Music City filmed some scenes for her latest film in Gallatin's city hall, which has put the mayor in the spotlight.
A few weeks ago, Mayor Don Wright let a crew into his office to film three scenes for a new movie.”
Read the rest of their story by clicking on 09/15/2006 News Channel 5.
It actually gets better, if that were possible. According to (where I first started following the story) an article by Katrina Cornwell in The News Examiner on September 15th, 2006:
“In the third installment, Thong Girl faces off against her nemesis, the Dark Widow, who's out to take over country music and turn its artists into rappers, the filmmaker said.
Weiss was working on a scene involving a fictitious mayor, and he said he was pleased with the "agricultural look" of Wright's office, whose executive chambers are decorated with Civil War memorabilia and state artifacts.
"He gave us the run of City Hall," Weiss said. "He unlocked City Hall and told us to use whatever we needed. … We basically used the mayor's office. We also used the exterior of the building."
The mayor said he wasn't present to let crews into City Hall, but he had arranged for someone to let them into the building.
"It seems like I had a police officer or a fireman let them in," Wright said. "I think I was out of town that Sunday. I had someone do that and stay with them while they were here."
The filming took place on Sunday, Aug. 13, at City Hall, which is across the street from a couple of historic churches, including First Presbyterian. Weiss also has arranged with the mayor to close the downtown square Oct. 1 to shoot a scene where a fictitious mayor presents Thong Girl with the key to the city for saving Music City USA from the bad folks.
Wright is a writer himself. He is the author of the historical romance novel "The Last Plantation" and other books including "Gone to Texas" and "The Woodsman."
Read the rest of her article here. Ms. Cornwell had written about this story the day before and that article is almost just as much fun. It is where I got the ideas with which I paraphrased above. You can read it here.
Sorta puts a new meaning to: “it’s a bird. It’s plane. No it’s Lana Layonme, in a red thong, flying through the air, fighting crime…”
I wonder what Wendi C. Thomas over at the Memphis Commercial Appeal thinks of all of this?
This was almost as fun as "20060912 KDDC City officials resign over spouse’s porn on the Web."
####
***Kant BeTrue, a Carthaginian whose family settled in Westminster after the Third Punic War, has been with the
Rhoiders Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle since the 1960s (he can’t remember exactly when in the 1960s…). A Pulverized Prize winner for journalism, he writes about issues ranging from the international syntactic semiotic economics to avatars of hyper-theoretical exploding toilets. Kant BeTrue’s column routinely appears in The Tentacle on Wednesdays. Reach him at kdayhoff@carr.org.
Back to News Index
Copyright © 2006
Rhoiders Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle All Rights Reserved. On the news article evolutionary scale, this piece is an amoeba on roller skates. The amoeba may or may not be wearing a pink tutu - this is for you to decide. Never-the-less, this material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Why you want to – I haven’t a clue.
