Kevin Earl Dayhoff Art One-half Banana Stems

Kevin Earl Dayhoff Art One-half Banana Stems - www.kevindayhoff.com Address: PO Box 124, Westminster MD 21158 410-259-6403 kevindayhoff@gmail.com Runner, writer, artist, fire & police chaplain Mindless ramblings of a runner, journalist & artist: Travel, art, artists, authors, books, newspapers, media, writers and writing, journalists and journalism, reporters and reporting, technology, music, culture, opera... National & International politics www.kevindayhoff.net For community: www.kevindayhoff.org For art, technology, writing, & travel: www.kevindayhoff.com

Showing posts with label Art literature of the absurd. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Art literature of the absurd. Show all posts

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Describe the history of the sociological, economic, psychological, and physiological progress of humankind



Describe the history of the sociological, economic, psychological, and physiological progress of humankind in relationship to ethnomusicology and religious structure, from its origins to the present day; concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. It should rhyme, and be iambic pentameter. Do it in one paragraph; use semi-colons if needed.

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Kevin Dayhoff Art: http://www.kevindayhoff.com/
New Bedford Herald: http://kbetrue.livejournal.com/


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Kevin Earl Dayhoff Art www.kevindayhoff.com: Travel, art, artists, authors, books, newspapers, media, writers and writing, journalists and journalism, reporters and reporting, music, culture, opera... Ad maiorem Dei gloriam inque hominum salutem. “Deadline U.S.A.” 1952. Ed Hutcheson: “That's the press, baby. The press! And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing!” - See more at: http://kevindayhoffart.blogspot.com/#sthash.4HNLwtfd.dpuf

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

HOW TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

March 25, 2003

Step one: Buy a date-book.  You have to stay organized!  The closer you get to world domination, the crazier your schedule is going to get.

Step two: Save your pennies. Remember Teddy Roosevelt's "Gunboat diplomacy"? Well, guns and boats cost money, and you're going to need at least one of each to take over the world.

Step three: Keep a journal. You can't expect others to be comfortable with your sovereignty if you're uncomfortable with yourself.  Take a little time every day to reflect and you'll discover things about yourself that you never suspected.

Step four: Go to the mall with some friends.  Whenever you walk into a store, have them nudge strangers and say, "Hey, isn't that the guy who just took over the world?"

Step five: Make self-deprecating jokes.  People like conquerors that can laugh at themselves.

Step six: Always carry a pen.  You never know when you might need to sign something or stab someone.

Step seven: Pay attention to world events.  "What's that?  Indonesia's dictator was over-thrown?  That might be a good place for me to start taking over the world."  These are the types of things you should be thinking.  Then you should think, "What styles of clothing are popular in Indonesia?  Should I take a parka or a T-shirt?"  Pack appropriately and your trip will go more smoothly.  Will you need sunscreen?

Step eight: Stay limber.  How can you expect to take over the world if you can't even touch your toes?

Step nine: Carry a clipboard.  It makes you look official.

Step ten: Be unconventional.  Building a massive army and invading neighboring nations is one way to take over the world, but is it the only way?  Maybe you're good at drawing, maybe you can sew.  Find your strengths and use them.

Step eleven: Don't forget to smile!
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Kevin Dayhoff Art: http://www.kevindayhoff.com/




New Bedford Herald: http://kbetrue.livejournal.com/


Scribd Kevin Dayhoff: http://www.scribd.com/kdayhoff
Kevin Dayhoff's YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/kevindayhoff

Kevin Dayhoff Banana Stems: http://kevindayhoff.tumblr.com/ 

Google profile: https://profiles.google.com/kevindayhoff/ 


Kevin Earl Dayhoff Art www.kevindayhoff.com: Travel, art, artists, authors, books, newspapers, media, writers and writing, journalists and journalism, reporters and reporting, music, culture, opera... Ad maiorem Dei gloriam inque hominum salutem. “Deadline U.S.A.” 1952. Ed Hutcheson: “That's the press, baby. The press! And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing!” - See more at: http://kevindayhoffart.blogspot.com/#sthash.4HNLwtfd.dpuf

Wednesday, April 01, 2015

"An empty jar of grape jelly" by Uncle Kevin

An empty jar of grape jelly

April 1, 2015

Yet another in a series of fractured self-help anecdotes of the absurd by Uncle Kevin.

This my friends, is a picture of a Babylon-Dayhoff household emergency – an empty jar of Smucker’s Grape Jelly. 

This is not funny. 

This is worse than a French Toast Emergency – when everyone runs to the grocery store to stock-up on bread, milk, and eggs after the weather forecast predicts snow…

Breathe – Breathe… Count to ten. I’m going to be Okay. Repeat. I am going to okay. This too shall pass.

Buckle up for the most absurd fractured obsessive "narrative therapy" you've ever read

"Vices are ingredients of virtues just as poisons are ingredients of remedies.  Prudence mixes and tempers them and uses them effectively against life's ill."  La Rochefoucauld - Maxims (1665)

Come closer. I mean, can we talk? For you see, I strongly believe that grape jelly is the very thread which holds together the uneasy seams of modern society. Yes, my brethren – grape jelly. Can I get an Amen? Lift your hands into the air brothers and sisters. I’m talking to you here…

It seems only appropriate that we take this time to pay some sort of homage to this humble jar of jelly as it lies vanquished on the kitchen stove.

This must be a teaching moment. I am going to concentrate on the image of the empty jar of grape jelly and realize that this is all my fault.

This all leads me to dig deep inner my inner mind, what’s left of it, and ponder, am I addicted to grape jelly? Is there such a thing as an addiction to grape jelly? I cannot bear to spend a day without a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I am desperately in search of a support group. Perhaps I have achieved a protected class – I can now join the balance of 65 per cent of Americans who are classified as a protected class. Does my employer have to make special accommodations for my addiction?

I guess I must accept the sad facts, I am addicted to grape jelly.

So, now I'm running.  Running as fast as I can. 

I was in the back yard when I first saw it.  Out by the giant lava lamp…

It looks like it's a.... It’s a..... A giant jar of grape jelly hovering over the house.  It is so large that it casts a shadow over all of the house, and beyond. 

It drew even nearer.  I'm running.  Was it going to attack me?  I tripped and fell.  The giant jar of grape jelly drew nearer.  My life flashed before me..... Running away as a child on my tricycle with my teddy bear.  Helping Pop-Pop and my uncles build a barn.  My mother making me draw a pirate over and over and over again for a drawing contest.  Helping Tass Samios at the grocery store.  Helping Dad build a glider swing set.  Building things in my sandbox.  Coach Head congratulating me for recovering a fumble.  Mr. Eaton calling on me in class.  The Marines. Civil rights marches…. Water cannons and police dogs. Seeing Elvis on the farm.  Timmy helping me with the farm house.  Mark, Zachary, Fred…

The giant jar of grape jelly hovered just feet over my head.  It was so close to the ground that it was damaging the roof of the house.  I thought of my home owner's insurance. It protects me from volcanoes - but, but does it cover damage from a giant jar of jelly?  Does it?  Tell me.  Does it?

Ooze resembling jelly started flowing over the edge as it tilted to the left.  The jelly started covering me.  My God, I'm going to die.  Is this a diabolical plot caused by political opponents?  No, that would be a huge pile of manure.  Who caused this?  Why me?  The jelly is covering me.  I'm dying.  I'm dying.  What a way to go!  Why couldn't it be a big bowl of ice cream instead?  I'm dying.... I'm dying..... I'm dying…

I wake up in a cold sweat. Run to the sink and splash some cold water on my face and steel myself for another day without grape jelly. Is there no hope?

Another nightmare about grape jelly!

Didn't Homer say in "The Iliad," that the greatest hoax in life is the hope for safety?

Can we talk?  I need your help!  You see, I'm a victim.  I've finally joined the rest of contemporary American culture and have now become a victim. 


I will repeat this chant over and over:  "Excuses are for losers.  What's the mission?  It's performance that counts.  I am the only one who is ultimately responsible for my life.  Get over it.  Move on.  Say yes to responsibility.


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Kevin Dayhoff Art: http://www.kevindayhoff.com/




New Bedford Herald: http://kbetrue.livejournal.com/


Scribd Kevin Dayhoff: http://www.scribd.com/kdayhoff
Kevin Dayhoff's YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/kevindayhoff

Kevin Dayhoff Banana Stems: http://kevindayhoff.tumblr.com/ 

Google profile: https://profiles.google.com/kevindayhoff/ 


Kevin Earl Dayhoff Art www.kevindayhoff.com: Travel, art, artists, authors, books, newspapers, media, writers and writing, journalists and journalism, reporters and reporting, music, culture, opera... Ad maiorem Dei gloriam inque hominum salutem. “Deadline U.S.A.” 1952. Ed Hutcheson: “That's the press, baby. The press! And there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing!” - See more at: http://kevindayhoffart.blogspot.com/#sthash.4HNLwtfd.dpuf

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dayhoff: A brief review of the Westminster Navy, and its role in American history

Dayhoff: A brief review of the Westminster Navy, and its role in American history Published April 1, 2009 by Westminster Eagle

Folks have been asking where they may find my brief review of the Westminster Navy, and its role in American history… Here you go:

The Westminster Eagle column for Wednesday, April 1, 2009 by Kevin Dayhoff (649 words)

She was once a proud ship, a ruler of the waves and a queen of the sea. The “Patapsco Militia Ship Westminster” was her name.

The days of glory for the PMS Westminster are now gone as she sits askew on the ground with a list and sigh on the shores of the Patapsco River in back of the Westminster utilities work shop on Manchester Road.

The once proud ship is hardly noticed by passersby in their hustle and bustle traveling to and from Westminster. It's an inglorious plight for the once proud master of the seas.

No one knows, for example, that the PMS Westminster was the ship used by George Washington in his famous crossing of the Delaware River.

This event has become confused with the passage of time. Initially George Washington crossed the Patapsco River on his way to the Battle of Brandywine.

The event stirred such emotion and passion that the news media wanted it recreated for the 5 o'clock news. By then General Washington had travelled far from the Patapsco River so they used the Delaware River for the reenactment.

It's only fitting that the Patapsco River near Westminster should have such a rich and colorful nautical history.

This area of Carroll County was founded by the Carthaginians shortly after the 3rd Punic War which raged in the Mediterranean Sea from 149 to 146 BC.

After Carthage was destroyed by the Romans, a small band of seafaring Carthaginians set sail for a new home and settled in the valley by the natural port offered by the Patapsco River in what we now know as the Lucabaugh Mill Road and Manchester Road area near the new Westminster Cranberry water treatment plant.

The Carthaginians named the Patapsco River after Patroclus, the gentle and amiable friend of Achilles in Homer's “Iliad.” A rival group of natives at the time confused Patroclus to be "Petapsqui" – the Native American word for backwater or tide water covered with foam which was actually the froth formed by the discharge pipes of the large stills operated at the time by the Patapsipiss tribe of brewing Native Americans.

The well read Carthaginians were also aware that the site where Ulysses successfully sailed past the Sirens was actually on the Patapsco River.

The exact spot is the bridge over the railroad and the Patapsco River on Manchester Road just north of Westminster.

The Sirens, if you'll remember, were sort of a sea goddess who lured to destruction those who listened to their songs. When Ulysses sailed under the bridge towards Westminster to attend a public hearing, he stopped-up the ears of his companions with wax and had himself tied to the mast of his ship.

Ulysses thereupon passed safely, and the Sirens, disappointed at their loss, drowned themselves – which is exactly what many of us want to do after attending most public hearings in Westminster.

George Washington wrote in his “Maxims: Transcripts of Revolutionary Correspondence” that he felt that Westminster-on-the-Patapsco ought to have been the site of the nation's capital. The planners confused the name Patapsco with the name Potomac and well, the rest is history.

When President Abraham Lincoln began his trip to Gettysburg to deliver the Gettysburg Address; the plan was for him to travel up the Patapsco River on the PMS Westminster, disembark, and travel by land for the balance of the trip.

Upon reaching Westminster, Lincoln was thereupon informed that Carroll County's road system was a bad collage of stoplights, confusion, and overcrowded roads which go from nowhere to nowhere. So he took the train.

These are but a few of the legendary exploits of the PMS Westminster and the Westminster Navy. A proud heritage only a few Carroll Countians know. Now you know it too!

Well, maybe not. Happy April Fool’s Day.

That’s my two-cents. What’s yours?

I’ll look forward to your comments in the readers’ comment section below.

Kevin Dayhoff writes from Westminster.
Kevin Dayhoff Art: http://www.kevindayhoff.com/ (http://kevindayhoffart.blogspot.com/)
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