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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

20050427 Exploding Councilmembers Baffle Political Scientists

Exploding Councilmembers Baffle Political Scientists

Annapolis, Maryland, April 27, 2005

Kant Betrue[1], Staff Reporter,

New Bedford Herald - Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle – All The News that is Unfit to Print

(Rhoiders) More than 100 councilmembers have puffed up and exploded in Maryland in recent weeks, and scientists still have no explanation for what's causing the instantaneous combustion, an official said Wednesday.

Body parts of the councilmembers have been tested, but scientists have been unable to find a bacteria or virus that would cause the councilmembers to swell up and pop, said Becky Caresalot, a spokesperson for the Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene. Nor have they found any brain matter or any sign of higher evolved DNA or intelligent life.

"It's absolutely strange," Caresalot said. "We have a really unique story here in Maryland. This phenomenon really doesn't seem to have appeared anywhere before."

The councilmembers have been blowing up since the beginning of the month, filling up like balloons until their heads suddenly burst.

"It looks like a scene from a Frank Capra science-fiction movie," Wilma Magilicutty, the head of a local political science think tank, told the Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle.

Often the phenomena occurs after the councilmember whines at a council meeting at the level of argument practiced by the average juvenile delinquent stuck at the intellectual level of a 2-year-old in a high chair throwing food.

Then the deadly phenomena strikes and "The swelled head councilmembers do not appear to suffer minutes before they finally explode." It is thought that this may be a result of the fact that most councilmembers do not have any feelings, a sense of remorse or accountability for their behavior.

Political scientists and pathologists have come up with several theories, but Caresalot said that most have been ruled out; with the exception that most councilmembers are really space aliens visiting from another planet and that fresh air, new ideas, sunlight and an enlightened environment is the cause of their demise.

Above and beyond pathological narcissism and delusions of grandeur, the councilmembers did not appear to have a disease, and a laboratory in Maryland has ruled out the possibility that it is a fungus that made its way from Washington, D.C., Caresalot said.

Caresalot said that tests will continue. In the meantime, municipal residents and (especially) municipal employees throughout the state have been warned to stay away from councilmembers.

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[1] Kant Betrue, a Carthaginian whose family settled in Westminster after the Third Punic War, has been with the Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle since the 1960s (he can’t remember exactly when in the 1960s…). A Pulitzer Prize winner for journalism, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

20050414 Activists demand dove be set free


Activists demand dove be set free

Breaking News Briefs for April 14, 2005

City reaches agreement in suit brought by activists
“Claude” to be set free

(Literature of the Absurd - Updated from the April 17th, 2003 version)

Kant Betrue,
Staff Reporter,[1]

April 14, 2005

Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle - New Bedford Herald

Westminster (NBH) A group of bird activists, who were forced this morning to disperse during a loud protest at the Westminster Fire Department, accused the city in a federal lawsuit filed today, of violating basic bird rights by keeping an innocent dove in captivity in the Westminster Fire House.

Eight were arrested.

It seems that Wednesday night, during the running of the Westminster Road Runners Club annual “Main Street Mile”, a dove flew through the open doors of the Westminster Fire Department equipment bays and took up residence in the pipes high above the fire equipment.

[…]

Magilicutty, a frequent critic of just about everything that moves, especially if it involves local municipal government, said that this was but another example of the lack of leadership on the part of Westminster Mayor Kevin Dayhoff. “He should have known that the dove was going to fly into the station after the doors were open and that he did nothing to stop it. It’s scandalous to have such a callous and vacuous man holding such a high position in the community.”

Read the rest:

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[1] Kant Betrue, a Carthaginian whose family settled in Westminster after the Third Punic War in 206 BC, has been with the Phoenix Hill Daily Herald Bugle since the 1960s (he can’t remember exactly when in the 1960s…). A Pulitzer Prize winner for journalism, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.