A leading “Local University” will be an ice cream-free campus, according to recent widely circulated media reports. (Click here for a larger image:
The policy was announced last Wednesday by university officials as they sipped bottled water and munched on simulated fiber-bars, Manhattan style fish assholes and giant curried water bugs. (Click here for a larger image of the “Red Curry Giant Water Bugs:
http://twitpic.com/plzzd )
University officials expressed pride at becoming “Maryland's first four-year college to ban an activity once as commonplace as lounging on the quad,” according to one local newspaper.
The sloth-like “lounging in the quad” is also under consideration to be banned. “We want a healthy – and all-conforming campus, that is obedient and health-conscious,” said officials.
“The reason for the policy, which goes into effect in August, is simple, administrators said: They want to reduce health risks from (eating ice cream) and secondhand exposure to (obese students.”)
"I don't try to guide people in how they live their lives, but I am going to protect the campus so it's clean and pleasant for as many people as possible," said the Local University President, Dr. Knowles Jerry-Ben, known affectionately on campus as “Dr. Kno,” who cited a study by The Center for Science in the Public Interest.
Eating ice cream is decadent, indulgent, and delicious, however, the consumer watchdog group is warning many ice cream treats are “coronaries in cones.” Many top brands contain huge amounts of calories and saturated fats said CSPI.
According to one publication, which reported upon the study, “the researchers were astounded at the calories and saturated fat content in a single cone of many products sold by companies like Baskin-Robbins, Ben & Jerry's and Haagen-Dazs.”
Local University has concurrently announced that all products manufactured by Baskin-Robbins, Ben & Jerry's and Haagen-Dazs are not only banned on campus, but also prohibited within a ten-mile radius of the university campus.
Also, all local rallies and celebrations of National Ice Cream Day, usually held every year on July 15, are also now banned. Defiant demonstrators will be dealt with sternly, warned one official as he manically munched on the cardboard wrapper of a simulated fiber-bar.
When asked to comment on a Frederick News-Post article from 2007 that noted “In 1984, President Reagan designated National Ice Cream Day and declared July to be National Ice Cream Month,” one university official belched that President Ronald Reagan and any reference to the former president or his words or “utterances” is now deemed “hate-speech” and also banned on campus.
The news account had cited that “Reagan recognized ice cream as a fun and nutritious food enjoyed by 90 percent of the nation's population, according to the website for the International Dairy Foods Association.
One university official reminded the audience that the International Dairy Foods Association – the IDFA - is now on the Obama administration’s terrorist watch list for propagandizing that “The average amount of ice cream consumed in the United States on any given day in July is 5.3 million gallons.”
The inquiring reporter was immediately – and forcibly - removed from the news conference in handcuffs for asking questions considered seditious in tenor and rebellious in nature.
As the reporter, B. P. Ward of the Potomac Publishing Co., was dragged from the room, he shouted, “George Washington spent $200 on ice cream in the summer of 1790 – that’s a lot of money for back then.”
To which several university officials responded that any reference to President Washington is also seditious… and now banned.
Meanwhile, a published account noted that “Everyone knows that ice cream isn’t a health food, acknowledges the U.S.-based food sleuths famed for blowing the whistle on movie theatre popcorn and MSG in Chinese takeout,” which are also already banned from the campus.
The published account on the perils of ice cream noted, “A CSPI study released Wednesday found a regular scoop of premium ice cream provides 250 to 350 calories and half a day's worth of artery clogging saturated fat.
“‘That's twice what you'd get in a supermarket ice cream like Bryers,’ nutritionist Jayne Hurley told a Washington press conference.
“It can get worse. The food police say a large vanilla shake from Baskin-Robbins has more than 1,000 calories and 32 grams of saturated fat. That's like eating three McDonald's Quarter Pounders.”
All McDonald’s products have been banned from the university campus for some time, noted university officials.
“Hurley even had a warning about empty cones.
“‘This empty chocolate dipped waffle cone from Ben & Jerry's is the equivalent to a half pound rack of baby backribs…”
Waffles, baby backribs and all meat are also banned from the campus, university officials said with noticeable pride, while spitting-out giant water bug shells.
(Click here for a larger image of the Manhattan style fish:
http://twitpic.com/pm08r )
Recently ABC News Medical Unit reported that “While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention consistently report that meat is the number one cause of foodborne illness, they are not the only foods to be wary of.
“A new report from the Center for Science in the Public Interest found that a number of food poisoning cases are caused by some unexpected foods, including leafy greens, potatoes, and ice cream.”
Local University officials said that a ban on leafy greens and potatoes is also under consideration, which cited that, the “CSPI reported that leafy greens, including spinach, lettuce, and cabbage, were responsible for 363 outbreaks between 1990 and 2006 and caused 13,568 cases of illness.”
Eating hamburgers and all meat products, waffles, ice cream, popcorn, and Chinese food is “already banned in campus buildings at (Local University,) but under the new rules, it will be off-limits on the grounds: on sidewalks, in garages and parking lots, and even outside the bar … at the local bistro.”
Local University “joins a rapidly growing list of U.S. colleges - at least 365, according to the (American Say No to Ice Cream Rights Foundation) - that have banned (eating ice cream) on campus.”
According to a local publication: “Last year, Montgomery College became the first Maryland institution of higher education to take the leap. Harford, Frederick, and Carroll community colleges have followed suit. Pennsylvania's university system has banned (eating ice cream) on all of its campuses.”
Dr. Kno “said a survey found that a very small percentage of students and faculty (eat ice cream) and that those who do, (eat ice cream) less frequently than they did in the past. The policy encountered some opposition from student leaders.”
However, all opposition, dialogue, and discussion of university policies have long been banned on campus, following recent successful attempts at banning any opposition to the Ruling Party, on both the state and national level.
Some students “wondered if the university will be able to enforce the rule, noting that a current ban on (eating ice cream) within 30 feet of school buildings is only loosely followed.”
Directing their attention to the 30-foot rule, university officials deny that students have been beaten for violating the rules; however, a small number of students were imprisoned last year for eating ice cream.
University officials, speaking on the condition of animosity, said, that the arrests and incarcerations will continue until the mood and moral of the campus improves and conformity abounds.
“Students and staff members who violate the rules will face fines and sanctions. Visitors who” eat ice cream “may be barred from future access to the 328-acre campus,” and sent to a fat-farm for re-education…
“Some students said the ban on (ice cream) will improve campus.”
“By not having eating ice cream on campus, kids will stop eating ice cream,” said a senior, “can world peace be too far away as a result?”
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